Narcissism & the Church | Checking for Red Flags

Chad Lee
6 days ago
4 min read

Updated: 4 days ago

A narcissistic church leader is toxic.

A narcissistic system is toxic.

A narcissistic church is toxic.

Sadly, many people within these environments will end up wounded. Surely, it grieves the heart of God to see people injured by the very people who are representing him.

Surely, it grieves the heart of God to see people injured by the very people who are representing him.

Some may suspect that they are in a narcissistic church in environment with a narcissistic church leader. But they often will simultaneously feel chaos and confusion. They might even feel like they are going crazy. For those in the midst of this chaotic experience, it becomes difficult to step back and objectively attempt to identify what is actually going on.

The information below is meant to function as a checklist to identify the likelihood of being in a narcissistic church environment. (This article is not meant to officially diagnose with personality disorders. Instead it is meant to identify the leaders and churches with narcissistic tendencies.)

Moreover, it is important to remember that there are many complex situations in which we can find ourselves. Healing from a traumatic experience like this will often require prayer, Scripture, time, and some helpful people (e.g., I have in mind especially (1) godly, nurturing people and (2) an excellent, Christian counselor.).

Furthermore, I will remind you that a church may have one or more of the following characteristics and not necessarily be narcissistic (though perhaps still unhealthy!). Nevertheless, as more of these traits are present, the likelihood is greater that a church is narcissistic. At the end of the article, there is a downloadable version of this checklist. (For a more detailed introductory description and analysis of this issue, please read my article titled, "Narcissism & the Church".)

A Church Narcissism Checklist

Core Narcissistic Traits

Grand Ambition: exaggerated sense of importance and destiny to accomplish something enormous
Attention-Seeking: clamoring to be noticed
Lack of Empathy: inability to comprehend and share the feelings of other people
Persistent Defensiveness: cannot receive truthful, constructive feedback
Unpredictable: inconsistent in attitude and actions
Impulsiveness: frequently acts quickly on ideas without thinking through the consequences

Recruitment Traits

"Love Bomb": excessive actions which manipulate a person into a relationship (e.g., flattery, gifts, etc.)
Specialness: communicates the idea that the group is special and/or the person being recruited
Image-Obsessed: excessive fascination and focus on image of the organization, leaders, etc.

Manipulation & Control Traits

Lack of Boundaries: leaders and church does not consider and/or respect the personal boundaries of people in the church
False Vulnerability: appears to share vulnerable stories in order to manipulate
Weaponization of Other's Vulnerability: when other people reciprocate and share vulnerability it is used against them in various ways
Using a "Divine Vision" or Prophecy for Manipulation: manipulation tactics take place under the guise of a divine vision or prophecy
Shaming for Lack of Involvement: people who serve in biblical, reasonable ways are shamed and asked to increase their level of involvement
Intimidation: using various tactics to frighten people into doing what the person/organization wants
Triangulation: using a third person in conflicts in order to exercise control, manipulate, or stir up division
Silencing Critics/Questions: to act and/or communicate in such a way where critics and questions are not allowed
Weaponizing Scripture: using Scriptures in improper ways for manipulation (e.g., applying verses to lead those abused to submit to abusers, silence true feedback and call it slander/gossip, label whistleblowers with valid concerns as divisive, etc.)
Twisting Narratives: retelling stories in misleading ways (e.g., misleading others about why someone left the church staff)
Encouragement and Withdrawal: patterns of engaging and disengaging with praise and then withdrawing in order to manipulate

Leadership & Organizational Issues

Lack of Accountability: not any/enough measures put in place for leadership accountability
Lack of Transparency: many things that donors are concerned about are "clothed in secrecy" (e.g., finances, key decisions, character concerns, etc.)
Harsh, Driving, and Authoritarian Leadership (vs. Servant Leadership): volunteers and people who work in the church environment feel mistreated, abused, and driven like cattle
Considering the Leader Indispensable to Success: the leader is protected at all costs (even if there are significant concerns)
High Staff Turnover: staff members do not last very long and often have unexplainable exits
Demanding: impossible, perfectionistic standards which are frequently disguised with other language (such as passion, zeal, commitment, sacrifice, etc.)
Feedback Issues: failing to ask for feedback and act upon it
Core Leaders Are "Yes-People": they go-along with the main leader and fail to challenge when needed
Issues with Limits: not living within limits or allowing others to live within limits

Resources:

DeGroat, Chuck. When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community from Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2020.
Kruger, Michael J. Bully Pulpit: Confronting the Problem of Spiritual Abuse in the Church. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2022.
Langberg, Diane. Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church. Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos, 2020.
Langberg, Diane. When the Church Harms God's People: Becoming Faith Communities that Resist Abuse, Pursue Truth, and Care for the Wounded. Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos, 2024.
McKnight, Scot, and Laura Barringer. A Church Called Tov: Forming a Goodness Culture that Resists Abuses of Power and Promotes Healing. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale, 2020.
Wilder, E. James. The Pandora Problem: Facing Narcissism in Leaders & Ourselves. Carmel, IN: Deeper Walk International, 2018.