Narcissism & the Church

If you've experienced the bite from a narcissist, then you know firsthand that it can be painful and disorienting. For many of you, sadly, you have experienced this in the church, which can make this bite spiritually disorienting and confusing. And, for those of you who have experienced the bite of a narcissistic pastor or spiritual leader, you have likely gone through profound and prolonged periods of confusion, denial, wrestling, pain, and have found yourself in need of healing (often in silence).

People who have experienced the bite of a narcissistic pastor or spiritual leader have likely gone through prolonged periods of confusion, denial, wrestling, pain, and have found themselves in need of healing (often in silence).

What Is Narcissism?

As the story goes, one day Narcissus was thirsty and traveled to a pool to get a drink. Once he was there, he caught a glimpse of himself in a reflection; it was so stunning that he reached out to embrace it. But his movement caused the reflection to be affected when the water was stirred. As a result, he was left paralyzed in his inability to be loved back by his own image. He neglected his own basic needs. Finally, as the myth turns out, he was transformed into the narcissus flower.

Merriam-Webster summarizes, Narcissus was "a beautiful youth in Greek mythology who pines away for love of his own reflection and is then turned into the narcissus flower."[1]

Of course, that myth has led to the modern concept of narcissism. Narcissism is generally thought of in two main ways: (1) those with the general traits of narcissism and (2) those with a diagnosable version of narcissism (such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

As the picture above shows, a church can sometimes be enamored with its own reflection. The same is true of leaders in Christ's church. Church leaders can become enamored with their own reflection. Of course, I'm speaking metaphorically. The idea is that the church can be a seedbed in which narcissism grows and flourishes which, as a result, often leaves carnage in its wake.

How Common Is Narcissism in the Church?

Consider this sad, and stunning, quote from E. James Wilder: "A 2015 study estimated that somewhere between 96,000 and 112,350 churches in the USA currently have a narcissistic pastor. Virtually all Christians will experience a narcissistic pastor during their lifetime. These extraordinarily high levels can only be explained if churches actively seek, support, sustain, promote, and propagate narcissistic leaders."[2] Narcissism is prevalent among churches in the United States.

Narcissism is prevalent among churches in the United States.

How Do We Recognize Narcissism?

It is important to note, as Chuck DeGroat has shown, there is a spectrum of narcissism.[3] We can all demonstrate narcissistic traits at times. He has helpfully summarized some key aspects of narcissism that can aid us in recognizing it in ourselves and others.

DeGroat has highlighted the following key characteristics of narcissism:

1. "grandiosity and attention seeking"

2. "impairments of empathy or intimacy"

3. and being "out of touch . . . with his sense of identity and direction" (by this he means not that they are unsuccessful vocationally but instead that they are out of touch with their own identity).[4]

Also, DeGroat has helpfully pointed out the concerning connection to ministry. "[P]eople will talk about being drawn into the orbit of a narcissist but note how difficult it is to connect to him once they are in the orbit. In a ministry context, this can be especially dangerous, as those called to pastor, teach, or care for others have a heightened ability to feign empathy."[5] In other words, pastors can fake empathy.

He continues, "In ministry, pastors use their congregations to validate a sense of identity and worth. The church becomes an extension of the narcissistic ego, and its ups and downs lead to seasons of ego inflation and ego deflation for the pastor . . . Because his sense of identity is bound up in external realities, his sense of mission is wavering and unmoored, often manifesting in constantly shifting visions and programs, frequent dissatisfaction with the status quo, and anxious engagement with staff and members."[6] Thus, the church becomes an extension of the narcissist’s identity which then leads the narcissistic leader to treat staff, volunteers, and church members unpredictably and poorly.

"In ministry, pastors use their congregations to validate a sense of identity and worth. The church becomes an extension of the narcissistic ego, and its ups and downs lead to seasons of ego inflation and ego deflation for the pastor." - Chuck DeGroat

Moreover, what's surprising is that narcissism can be very persuasive in ministry. Again listen to DeGroat, "The frightening reality of narcissism is that it often presents in a compelling package. Narcissism is the 'glittering image' we present to the world."[7] Therefore, narcissistic church leaders can deceive the masses with a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type of situation where the public persona doesn't match the private person.

Furthermore, along with the study I referenced earlier, DeGroat shows that narcissistic tendencies seem to be more common among pastors.[8] Indeed, churches seem to be magnets for narcissists. In a fascinating section, he outlines some of the key aspects of narcissistic systems:

• They attract people who want to be a part of something special.

• They compare themselves to others and consider themselves superior.[9]

Still, however, narcissistic systems can be quite deceptive. He notes, "Narcissistic systems exist for themselves, even though their mission statements and theological beliefs may be filled with the language of service, selflessness, justice, and care. Those within the system find this contradiction exhausting. This is why many who get close to the epicenter of leadership either forfeit their integrity or resign."[10] In other words, the language, theology, and mission of the church can seem right, but those who get closer to the core leaders discover the alarming mismatch in character. Then, they are often faced with a concerning decision: compromise or leave.

The language, theology, and mission of the church can seem right, but those who get closer to the core leaders discover the alarming mismatch in character. Then, they are often faced with a concerning decision: compromise or leave.

What Are the Key Indicators of Narcissism in Church Leaders?

DeGroat then outlines some of the key indicators of narcissistic church leaders. He writes:

"In their helpful book How to Treat a Staff Infection: Resolving Problems in your Church or Ministry, Craig and Carolyn Williford identify six primary characteristics:
1. All decision-making centers on them
2. Impatience or a lack of ability to listen to others
3. Delegating without giving proper authority or with too many limits 
4. Feelings of entitlement 
5. Feeling threatened or intimidated by other talented staff 
6. Needing to be the best and brightest in the room

While their list is quite helpful, I've identified four additional characteristics we'll explore as well: 
1. Inconsistency and impulsiveness 
2. Praising and withdrawing 
3. Intimidation of others 
4. Fauxnerability"[11]

Those who remain in an environment like this will likely by faced with the challenging decision. In certain situations, there may be another way forward, but many find themselves with the binary choice: leave or compromise.

The Response to Narcissism in the Church

As noted, the common responses in a situation like this are to compromise or leave. However, as E. James Wilder has pointed out, there may be another way. He explains that we must love our neighbors, or more specifically, love our enemies. Why? Because interacting with narcissists will require us to love our enemies with hesed (often translated "steadfast love" in Scripture).[12] He goes on to argue that hope for transformation is possible (though extremely difficult). It will take an entire cast surrounding a narcissist to face their reality: they must love their enemy. As they respond in truth and draw boundaries, the narcissist will often respond as if they are an enemy. Thus, the people around a narcissist must get used to the experience of loving one’s enemy. (That is not to say that we should always stay, by any means! There may still be times when it is necessary to leave a narcissistic environment.)

As they respond in truth and draw boundaries, the narcissist will often respond as if they are an enemy. Thus, the people around a narcissist must get used to the experience of loving their enemy.

What Is the Narcissitic Culture Like?

Sometimes narcissistic leaders can infect an entire culture, causing it to be a toxic one. In their excellent book A Church Called Tov: Forming a Goodness Culture, Scot McKnight and Laura Barringer have a chapter titled: "Early Warning Signs of a Toxic Culture." Can you guess the first warning sign? Yes, you're right: narcissism.

They write,

"For some reason, church leadership at times seems to attract unempathetic, selfish narcissists . . . Though a narcissist may possess what is commonly known as a 'strong personality,' that perceived strength often disguises insecurity and a deep need to feel superior and successful. The selfish drive for importance compels narcissistic pastors to surround themselves with admirers. They will break relationship with people who don't give them the esteem and honor they desire. Narcissists often gravitate toward enablers, who will pave their way to power--or at least not stand in the way."[13]

In contrast to the historic view of pastoral leadership, that is, the gentle shepherd who teaches and cares for the flock, pastors today are "obsessively preoccupied with their reputation, influence, success, rightness, progressiveness, relevance, platform, affirmation, and power."[14] These types of church leaders create ministry cultures which can damage others for the advancement of God's kingdom (as misguided as that seems). As Michael Kruger has remarked: "These obsessions are the perfect recipe for a bully pastor who will do almost anything to retain their empire and squash anyone who threatens it."[15]

Though it seems unbelievable, these types of narcissistic systems can exist for quite a while, damaging and abusing people behind the scenes while appearing successful and influential in public. One reason for this, as Diane Langberg has explained in her book When the Church Harms God's People, is this: "Sadly, religious organizations and churches have often protected their systems and leaders rather than the people in their midst."[16] I have seen this play out way too many times to count. The church silences and harms the victim while defending the harsh leader.

She continues, "With systemic deception, protecting the vulnerable is not primary but rather seen as a threat to the institution, and those betrayed and harmed within the system are pushed aside."[17] However, insightfully, she observes: "We work to hide the abuse and preserve the organization. Our Lord was not crucified for organizations."[18] Indeed, the Lord was crucified for the sheep. He often comforted and defended the oppressed. He challenged the misguided, harmful, and abusive religious leaders.

"Our Lord was not crucified for organizations." - Diane Langberg

But sadly, many times narcissistic leaders can appear successful, persuade the masses, and harm those closest to them. Langberg continues, "We have seen leaders full of pride and arrogance treat colleagues or followers harshly or even cruelly. But many gather around in support because they are so gifted or their work is so significant or it cannot possibly be true."[19] I suppose narcissistic systems defend leaders because they appear successful and help make the organization appear successful, even if they abuse people and are not faithful in God's eyes.

I suppose narcissistic systems defend leaders because they appear successful and help make the organization appear successful, even if they abuse people and are not faithful in God's eyes.

In another book titled Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church, Diane Langberg has described how these systems work. First, the powerful, charismatic leader is the key component in the system. Next, there are close followers (the inner circle) who can be caught up in the benefits that the system provides and end up protecting the system. Then, there are followers with less power who don't ask questions and also protect the system because it is "special". Others, however, follow blindly. They are living in denial, because acknowledging the truth would challenge the system.[20]

Some Concluding Observations

So, what are we to do with this? Here are some concluding observations:

• Narcissistic churches and narcissistic church leaders harm people deeply. They are not shepherding God's people but are often using the church for their own selfish purposes while injuring people.

• Success must be redefined. If we define success by numbers alone, then we will be okay with workaholic, harsh, abusive, and narcissistic leaders who bring in the numbers. However, if we redefine success as faithfulness, then we will look for the fruit of the Spirit and faithfulness to the Lord. This can't be fabricated, regardless of gifting and numerical success.

• Perhaps our narcissistic leaders are really a reflection of a highly narcissistic culture. Which came first, the narcissistic leaders or the narcissistic cultures which prop them up?

• Some huge red flags in narcissism are: lack of empathy, grandiosity, and attention seeking. Sadly, these attributes thrive in churches that are seeking a person with an impossibly large vision and have a knack for bulldozing people to make it happen (and in the name of leadership?). I recall a very important person, Jesus, saying this: "But Jesus called them to him and said, 'You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many'" (Matthew 20:25-28 ESV).

• If we follow the qualifications for leadership given to us by Paul, then we will probably do pretty well to put the right people in leadership.

  • [1Ti 3:1-7 ESV] 1 The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. 2 Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, 3 not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. 4 He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, 5 for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church? 6 He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil. 7 Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil.

• We should humbly listen to, care for and defend the victims while we challenge the abusers (not vice versa).

• We all have a little bit of narcissism in us. We should rid ourselves of it to become more like Christ.

• For those who have been deeply wounded by narcissistic church leaders, please look closely at Christ. There is no narcissism in him whatsoever. As difficult as it is to separate Christ from your church experience, pray and plead with God to help you see Jesus Christ for who he really is. He is not a narcissist! You will not be deceived by him. You will not find a mismatch between his private character and his public persona. In fact, you will become more impressed with him the closer you get to him. While he is powerful, he is also gentle, considerate, loving, and perfect. (If this resonates with you, then you may benefit from reading some other blogs more specifically on healing church hurt titled, “Jesus Understands Your Church Hurt,” “What Is Spiritual Abuse?” and “Christ Alone: On Pastors & Moral Failures.”)

End Notes:

[1] Merriam-Webster, s.v. "narcissism (n.)," accessed Januray, 24, 2026, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/narcissus.

[2] E. James Wilder, The Pandora Problem: Facing Narcissism in Leaders & Ourselves (Carmel, IN: Deeper Walk International, 2018), 17.

[3] Chuck DeGroat, When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community from Emotional and Spiritual Abuse (Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2020), 36-39.

[4] Ibid., 35.

[5] Ibid.

[6] Ibid.

[7] Ibid., 19.

[8] Ibid., 7.

[9] Ibid., 23-24.

[10] Ibid., 24.

[11] Ibid. 70.

[12] E. James Wilder, The Pandora Problem, 25-27.

[13] Scot McKnight and Laura Barringer, A Church Called Tov: Forming a Goodness Culture that Resists Abuses of Power and Promotes Healing (Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale, 2020), 25-27.

[14] Chuck DeGroat, When Narcissism Comes to Church, 7.

[15] Michael J. Kruger, Bully Pulpit: Confronting the Problem of Spiritual Abuse in the Church (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2022), 10.

[16] Diane Langberg, When the Church Harms God's People: Becoming Faith Communities that Resist Abuse, Pursue Truth, and Care for the Wounded (Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos, 2024), 71.

[17] Ibid., 72.

[18] Ibid., 74.

[19] Ibid., 79.

[20] Diane Langberg, Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church (Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos, 2020), 79-90.