Narcissism & the Church | The Response

(For a foundation on this topic, if you haven't already read them, I would recommend starting with the following two articles before reading this one: "Narcissism & the Church" and "Narcissism & the Church | Checking for Red Flags".)

If you find yourself in a narcissistic church, how do you respond?

Here are a few thoughts.

First, God will use this difficult time. He uses everything, working it together for your good and his glory (Rom. 8:28). I know it can be difficult to see that while you're in the middle of it. I know it can be difficult to believe that during difficult moments. But many people in the Bible could say the same thing. They went through challenging circumstances, waited for God to act, were faithful and obedient when it seemed confusing, and eventually God's kind and sovereign purposes were revealed. (However, not always in one's lifetime! For example, it took thousands of years to see the promise of Jesus Christ come to fruition.)

Second, just because you experienced pain from a church or church leader, that does not mean God approves of it. Sometimes churches that injure people appear to be successful. Just because a church seems to be successful does not mean that God is blessing it. We must keep in mind many other aspects of situations like these: spiritual warfare, human sinfulness, wolves in the church, misguided shepherds, immature Christians put into leadership too soon, unqualified leaders, itching ears, and so on.

Third, you're not crazy. It is common for the people who experience the trauma of a narcissistic environment to feel like they are the ones who are going crazy. The author of When Narcissism Comes to Church, Chuck DeGroat, gave this response when asked what he hoped would be his readers' primary takeaway from the book. He says,

"Simply put, I hope someone who reads this book will say to themselves, 'I'm not crazy.' I hope it puts words to people's experiences of encountering a narcissist, and particularly one who holds some position of authority in the church.

Too often, the strategies of a narcissistic leader or spouse are designed to render the other impotent, incompetent, confused, and even crazy. I hope the descriptions I offer and the stories I tell validate the experiences of those who've been impacted by emotional/spiritual abuse, and that they see pathways of hope for themselves and for the church."[1]

Fourth, make sure you are doing the practical things to care for yourself. Since a narcissistic environment is stressful, you will want to make sure you are caring for your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs.[2]

Fifth, I highly recommend seeking out a godly, Christian counselor. They can be God's gift to you in a season like this. Healing from a chaotic season may feel like you're lost in the woods at night. You can't seem to find your way out. A helpful counselor can be your guide. They shine the flash light and patiently walk with you until you are out of the woods safely.

Sixth, healing takes time and is often not linear. In these situations, you often become hypervigilant. Your nervous system is highly activated.[3] You may be on alert due to constant conflict and chaos. According to Angela Myers, here are some signs that you're still recovering from narcissistic abuse:

• Intrusive self-doubt

• Difficulty trusting or feeling safe in new relationships

• Feeling triggered by small reminders

• Experiencing more anger than usual

• Difficulty setting boundaries

• Blaming yourself often.[4]

Helpfully, Myers also claims that there are some signs that you're making progress in your healing journey: (1) setting boundaries without guilt; (2) reclaiming joy from simple things; (3) feeling more settled and calm; (4) experiencing clarity about unhealthy aspects of relationships (or in this case the narcissistic church/leader); and (5) reconnecting with people you were isolated from.[5]

Seventh, you might need to reclaim spiritual disciplines. Spiritual practices (such as prayer, singing, reading Scripture, fasting, Sabbath rest, corporate worship, community, and so on) are healthy for our souls, but they can get twisted in strange ways in narcissistic environments. Dr. Allison Cook says it well: "With emotional pain, there may be specific words and practices that seem normal to everyone else, such as prayer or listening to a sermon, but they bring up uncomfortable, painful feelings within you. That’s because those practices got twisted due to the leader’s abusive actions."[6] I would encourage you to pursue these spiritual practices, and my prayer is that God would bring his healing touch. Sometimes in a healing season, strangely, spiritual disciplines don't seem to work like they used to. However, God will bring you through this dry season (perhaps even by persevering in the spiritual practices!).

Eighth, many will feel the temptation to pull away from the church altogether, but let me encourage you to continue attending church. You may need to find a healthier local church, but don't pull away from the church altogether. A church, ideally, is a place that we return to over and over again for encouragement to continue persevering and following Christ (Heb. 10:25).

Ninth, here are some helpful resources that will assist you in understanding your experience, validating your pain, and providing some helpful pointers to guide you to healing. (Note: I don't necessarily affirm or agree with every minor point of doctrine or practice with the following authors. Nevertheless, these books are well-written, helpful resources by trusted authorities on this topic.)

Resources:

• DeGroat, Chuck. When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community from Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2020.

• Kruger, Michael J. Bully Pulpit: Confronting the Problem of Spiritual Abuse in the Church. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2022.

• Langberg, Diane. Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church. Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos, 2020.

• Langberg, Diane. When the Church Harms God's People: Becoming Faith Communities that Resist Abuse, Pursue Truth, and Care for the Wounded. Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos, 2024.

• McKnight, Scot, and Laura Barringer. A Church Called Tov: Forming a Goodness Culture that Resists Abuses of Power and Promotes Healing. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale, 2020.

• Wilder, E. James. The Pandora Problem: Facing Narcissism in Leaders & Ourselves. Carmel, IN: Deeper Walk International, 2018.

Tenth, remember our hope. John articulates it well:

3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." 5 And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

-Revelation 21:3-5 ESV

(I'm sure there is more that could be said, but for now . . .) Last, you will likely be faced with some type of response to the situation. I suppose there could be many different nuanced responses, but there are three main responses that typically take place:

(1) perhaps the Lord is calling you to stay and confront the situation, sharing your concerns in a godly manner with the right people in order to help with transformation (if possible);

(2) perhaps the Lord is calling you to check out and leave in a healthy way after sharing your concerns with grace, humility, patience, love, boldness, courage, and wisdom;

and (3) some opt stay and, sadly, compromise.

Three Common Responses to a Narcissistic Church Environment

Likely Responses	Description
Confront	People who respond this way confront the issue and share their concerns with humility, love, and godliness. They seek to include the people that must be a part of the solution, in the timeline that seems appropriate and reasonable, while seeking to avoid sin, exercise patience, triage issues, and with a willingness to love their enemy (because narcissists and narcissistic environments often treat the whistleblower who has valid concerns as an enemy). After sharing concerns, this option may still lead to (1) staying in the same environment to pursue transformation or (2) potentially moving to the "check out" option below (if it seems transformation is not possible or the person is not called to help bring it about).
Check Out	At some point, a person may decide that it would be best to part ways. They do so biblically, with humility, love, godliness, and wisdom. Whether it becomes a more public issue, or remains a private issue, will likely depend on the specific situation. There are numerous factors that could affect one's response to leave in a healthy way (e.g., some aspects to think through: Issues might be primary, secondary, or tertiary theologically and/or practically. In some cases, there could be "black and white" moral issues while others are more "gray" in nature. Some cases may also have legal implications. Sadly, sometimes unnecessary division might be stirred up. But, in other situations, there is necessary division that must be stirred up [such as abusive and fraudulent situations]). Thus, pray, seek counsel, don't act rashly, and respond in a godly way with boldness and faithfulness to the Lord.
Compromise	This seems to be the least tenable option; after seeing the problem and experiencing the burden of needing a resolution, the person compromises and stays (often justifying the decision for some reason).

End Notes:

[1] Jamie D. Aten, "After Narcissism's Come to Church, Stories Can Heal," Psychology Today, February 24, 2020, accessed January 29, 2026, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hope-resilience/202002/after-narcissisms-come-church-stories-can-heal.

[2] Vicki Hooper, "Working under a narcissistic pastor: What it means and what you can do," Clergy Care, accessed January 29, 2026, https://clergycare.ca/2024/09/04/working-under-a-narcissistic-pastor-what-it-means-and-what-you-can-do/.

[3] Angela Myers, "Healing from narcissistic abuse: How to reclaim your self-worth and move forward," Thriveworks, October 15, 2025, accessed January 29, 2026, https://thriveworks.com/help-with/narcissism/healing-from-narcissistic-abuse.

[4] Ibid.

[5] Ibid.

[6] Allison Cook, "Church Hurt and 4 Steps for Healing," Dr. Allison Cook, accessed January 29, 2026, https://www.dralisoncook.com/blog/church-hurt-and-4-steps-for-healing.